How To Find Playfulness?

A couple years ago, my girlfriend told me that I don’t smile anymore. Hearing that felt crushing, because it rang true. I didn’t feel good enough to smile as often. Naturally, my external reaction was more defensive: “What are you talking about?
Of course I smile.” But her words continued to sting, and apart from now being aware that I was missing a »muted« part of myself, everything remained the same. I wanted to smile again, but didn’t know where to begin. Life was a serious thing.

»Why let thoughts hijack our lives?«

In my own way, I was trying to achieve some change. I tried sprinkling some smiles throughout my days. It felt silly, but in the long run, it did have some effect. It was like establishing a new habit – and I did smile a bit more. But even though some of the smiles sipped through and made me feel good inside, it was still, more or less, an external fix because I was trying to change how I (re)acted, instead of my beliefs. Later, after I started practicing meditation, I found great insight into how our thoughts are ever changing and how they’re not actually us. They happen independently and we either let them influence us, or we don’t. It's our choice. So why let them hijack our lives (and my smiles!)? Life shouldn’t be so serious.

»If you’re feeling uncomfortable, good.«

But let me be clear – although it had it’s part in this, meditation isn’t what made me reconnect with smiling. It was asking myself questions like »What kind of a person would I like to be?«, »What do I want to give a f*ck about? (thank you, Mark Manson!)«, »What are my values?«, and most importantly, »How do I want do feel like every day?«. For the ladder, I wrote down the feelings/emotions that are important to me. These processes can seem silly, but if you’re feeling uncomfortable doing them, good. Going outside your comfort zone in order to grow is an amazing start! What I discovered and surprised me as I was doing my list, was that I wrote down playfulness first. It slowly became clear - it’s what I had been thirsty for for so long - a perfect combination of feeling fun and constant curiosity, inviting smiles to come and play. Now I knew what I was searching for. Life should be more playful.

It really did come naturally after that, I’m not going to lie. There wasn’t any big breakthrough, just a realization after a while, that I was allowing myself to feel playful more often. Great! I wasn’t thinking of HOW and WHEN to smile anymore, I just needed to get out my own way and smiles would come, finally un-muted. Now, if I’m being too hard on myself, I remind myself of my list and who I want to be. Remembering that I want to feel more playful tends to loosen my grip over myself. I train daily in giving up some of my control, so I can play more often. Having gone through this entire journey, I asked my girlfriend recently if I’m finally smiling more now, and she answered: "What are you talking about? Of course you smile.”
Life can be playful.

“Don’t hope for better. Just be better. Be something better. Be more compassionate, more resilient, more humble, more disciplined.”
― Mark Manson, Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope

Train daily in giving up some control.

(so you can play more often, too)