#11: Ready, set, GO! What’s the goal again?
My race was to try and be the best designer / animator as I can possibly be. That’s cute and all, but it’s also really broad and undefined. And it doesn’t even touch on any of my personal interests and obsessions.
“we’re constantly competing and comparing ourselves with everyone.”
Even though each of us is proud of being passionate about completely different things and has separate guidelines and morals that we follow, we’re ALL built up into needing more of everything and never be satisfied - being eternally thirsty. Naturally, it’s basically impossible to even get a sip if everybody wants it, too. And it’s not strange then that deep down we get envious, frustrated, and even depressed, since we’re constantly competing and comparing ourselves with everyone. This never ending self-sabotaging built-in mindset usually applies to everything; from how we spend our time off-work, to what we actually do professionally. Nothing will ever be good enough, because it’s usually not our goals that we’re reaching for - it’s our interpretation of what is considered a success by society, our parents, our partner, our friends.
Work-wise, I was gulping for anything that’d come my way. To stick with the metaphor from earlier a bit longer: I never stopped to think what I actually want to drink. Do I even want what I’m working my ass off for anymore? We don’t ask ourselves often enough what we actually give a fuck about. It’s simpler to keep the momentum (more like status quo) and keep on going, right?
Realizing that I’m actively pursuing a dead dream, at least in concept, felt not too dissimilar from a moment from »Ender’s Game«, where the main character Ender Wiggin finds out he was tricked into believing his actions and efforts were a part of his training, but were instead, an elaborate guise that essentially makes him the destroyer of an entire alien race. Only in my case, by not stopping to think, I was slowly destroying my entire life-supply of positive attitude towards work. I was reminded that it was time to halt, learn and explore again.
Luckily, I know my passions, so it wasn’t too much of a hassle to recall and internalize what I enjoy doing most - making my versions of space, technology or sci-fi inspired imagery. At the same time, I realized I want to reduce how much I actually animate, so I can focus more on concepts and designing. That said, during the last year, I managed to pivot and concentrate more on just making designs and styleframes for animation. Some are even sci-fi themed! I also haven’t animated in almost a year for a client project! So, although I’ll definitely struggle with finding the next steps to do more space stuff, I’m not afraid to try. For now, I at least know where I want the path to go towards. And that’s enough for me.