We're not robots. Smile.
When we’re being mean to ourselves, it’s mostly out of a deep rooted habit that echoes from how we remember our parents talking down to us when we were kids. Our brain simply uses mechanisms that knows are effective. And like our parents did, we set certain expectations for ourselves - if we don’t measure up to those slippery and rigid levels of perfection, we can get very upset and dirty with ourselves. The brain remembers which buttons to push to provoke us further.
“Hello, Rabbit,' he said, 'is that you?'
'Let's pretend it isn't,' said Rabbit, 'and see what happens.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Imagine a day where everything goes without a hiccup. You’re not feeling any pressure or stress. You realize how good that feels and get lost in though as you reach for a pen to write down your grossery list. Somehow, because you weren’t fully concentrated, you drop it and it falls to the floor. You probably just pick it up and continue on, right? Now imagine that same scenario, but this time, you’re really stressed out! - you still have to do the shopping, cook dinner, put the kids to bed and then prep for tomorrow’s important meeting! And you still need to wash your hair! And then you drop your pen: »Aaargh, that’s it! I don’t have time for this! Why did you fucking drop the pen, you idiot! «
Understanding that some bad mental habits are recreations of how we felt being scolded as kids, changed my life. I decided to stop listening to my inner talk-downs. I would’t let some old habits, manifested in an internal judgmental voice shape my life and my self-image anymore! Oh, I did have to remind myself a lot in the first couple of days. But everytime I felt I was about to be mean to myself, I noted the thought and let it go away. And it worked - having internalized the reason for not listening anymore took away the power of the talk-downs. Their intensity dropped. Their frequency too.
»Sometimes it’s really hard to smile if you feel awful«
No one can completely turn off such deep rooted habits, though. And that’s completely OK! We’re not robots. Whenever the talk-downs DO come blasting (you know: shopping, dinner, kids-bed, tomorrow’s meeting, PEN!...), try to smile instead. Try to smile with kindness at your silliness the next time you “drop your pen”. Feel and hold onto that smile. And use that feeling as a touchstone for next time. Yes, sometimes it’s really hard to smile if you feel awful. But try and smile anyway. It is worthwile, because after some time doing this, you realize that you’ve replaced your inner talk-downs with an impluse to smile and be kind. And I think you’d agree that you’d rather spend your time with someone that’s warm, fun and kind, instead of someone that’s harsh, judgmental and a lot of times, way too angry. Why then not be that warm and kind person for yourself?