TOOLS for: Anger and Disappointment P1 (Others)
You must have been told or heard at one point at least, that everybody deals with emotions in their own way. While there’s no denying or avoiding that, there’s certainly been a lot of tools and steps developed throughout human history that dissolve their intensity and more importantly, our focus on them. As a practitioner of meditation and an avid enthusiast researcher of the human spirit, I’ve had the opportunity to learn on how to implement mindset shifting thought exercises from people much more experienced in mindfulness and understanding of the human condition than me. Some of these tools I’ll share below and in P2. I’ve also had the blessing of truly hearing and internalizing a powerful insight that stuck with me, explained years ago by a friend that works as a psychotherapist:
»People usually go to therapy for a lot of years, to deal with their traumas, perceptions and reasonings,
but in the end, the only catharsis can be found in letting go.«
That surely sounds like an »easier said than done« scenario to most of us, but by using techniques to disarm the validity of our negative and ego-oriented minds on a daily basis, their effects over-time tend to re-wire our brains and subconscious responses that drive how we perceive our everydays. Here, we can try out a tool for dealing with anger and disappointment with others, and next time - anger and disappointment in self.
ANGER AND DISAPPOINTMENT (others)
We’ve all experienced disappointment and the subsequent manifestation of anger when someone hurt us in one way or another. By focusing our thoughts on that particular person, we fuel our chemically induced emotions. They then fuel the continued thoughts in return. It can be a never-ending process, until we get distracted by something, or decide to take revenge in protecting our bruised egos. Us feeling that way however, isn’t caused by that other person. It’s ourselves, in seeking ways to confirm a story our mind is telling us. Our mind wants to be recognized, so it creates scenarios for us to engage in. So instead of engaging and taking the mind’s suggested understandings and interpretations as a given, we can instead refocus by doing a variation of a traditional Buddhist “Maitri” meditation, cultivating a general loving-kindness attitude:
Calm down by focusing on the breath, particularly on the out-breath. 5-10 breaths should do the trick. Close the eyes.
Visualize a person you care for very much. In your mind, say to them something in the line of:
»May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from harm. May you feel safe. May you live with ease.«
Usually, this triggers an automatic chemical response and makes us see at least glimpses of love and compassion. We often loosen up, dropping our guard.
Don’t worry if you don’t feel any of that. For some it takes longer, while others get there immediately. Both are ok.
Visualize a person you’ve seen, but don’t know well. Tell them the same thing:
»May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from harm. May you feel safe. May you live with ease.«
Here, we usually loosen up a bit more. So we continue.
Now visualize a person you feel negatively about. They might have caused problems for you, and have really made your life more troublesome. You dislike them.
It might be hard, but nevertheless, tell them what you’ve practiced before:
»May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from harm. May you feel safe. May you live with ease.«
You might feel a natural resistance to it at first. But observe it, rather than judge it. OR, you might actually feel the same compassion for that “problematic” person as well.
Over-time, this starts to happen in itself and seeps into life beyond the practice.
Stay in the echo of the feeling that remains. Observe it. Try not to judge it. Slowly, refocus the attention to the sounds of the space you are in. When you are ready, open your eyes.
Reflect how you feel, without adding interpretations, before going about your day. Try to remember that feeling.
Return to this practice, or your variation of it, to cement its effect and easen the intensity of negativity towards others. Some days it will be harder than other, and that’s perfectly normal.
We all have a few of “those people” in our lives. And new ones will come, too. But positivity is always the better answer.