TOOLS for: Anger and Disappointment P2 (Self)
To finish off last week’s journey in gaining more compassion and acceptance, we can now take a look at how to deal with anger and disappointment with ourselves. It doesn’t matter what the reasons are - whenever we fail in our expectations to self, we can get pretty brutal; usually more than we would ever be to others. The two tools that will help in letting go of the hurtful mental habit are: shifting perspective and observation.
ANGER AND DISAPPOINTMENT (self)
Belittling ourselves to prove a storyline in our minds is a process that stems from our childhood. It consist of various disempowering statements, integrated deep in our memory as powerful tools that push us into being reactive. We often recognize those statements as an internal voice, and most people mistake it for being »us«. But funny enough, the belittling process is actually just an automatic reaction of our brain, that we continue to empower by listening. By believing the words »spoken« are true and sailing onto the stream of emotions accompanying them, we encourage our highly-trained brain to repeat the process in similar situations. We literally strengthen our brain’s wiring. There’s several methods and practices in muting the eternal commentator companion we carry. One simple practice is to recognize our “self-speak” as a separate part of us, effectively creating distance to it. For some, results can come as an insight where »the voice« simply dissolves. For others it can be a lifelong process. Both are ok.
When you speak harshly to yourself, try to notice it, instead of reacting to it.
Focus on the movement of two to three breaths, particularly on the out-breaths.
Say to yourself the same judgmental thing, but this time, in the 3rd person, and aloud.
That means that statements like: »Oh, I screwed up again«, or »I’m never gonna be able to do this« become: »Oh, YOU screwed up again« and »YOU’RE never gonna be able to do this«.
For some, this will immediately come off as a bit silly, or simply, won’t have the same emotional weight as judgmental self-speak. Congratulations! With regular practice, the reactionary feeling will get less intense. For others, once the statement is heard aloud in the 3rd person, they might hear someone else’s voice saying it instead, disarming the bulk of the voice’s validity and weight. We don’t get to pick our reaction; both are perfectly normal and get us “there” over time. Similar to how we can cultivate loving-kindness instead of negativity (towards others), practicing this method should be habitual and fine-tuned.
As I did this practice a few years ago, it was my father’s voice that I »heard« in those negative statements. It wasn’t really him of course - it was the mind counting on me always reacting to “hearing” his voice. So, my mind used that voice whenever it wanted me to engage and react. The realization made me very emotional at first (as it usually goes with sudden insights): the judgmental voice had been with me ever since I can remember, steering me in my life’s decisions. And I had just realized it wasn’t even “my own” voice. In the next few days, my mind’s judgmental, disempowering voice started to appear less frequently and was way quieter, until one day, it all but dissolved. I still belittle myself in self-designated failure sometimes. But by coming back to this practice, I’ve trained to talk to myself in the 3rd person when such situations do arise. The “voice” does not steer my life anymore. Shifting perspective creates more space to simply be, let go, and learn, instead of judge.
CONCLUSION (FOR PART 1 & 2)
Habitual practice is everything - it’s a building block of you. Mindful regularity changes the way our minds thread through life. When we want more positivity in our life, it very rarely comes in itself. When it does, we learn nothing.
Like watering flowers, we too need to cultivate positivity and tend to it daily for it to be able to blossom.